Letter to you

"I write this letter to you, but my purpose is selfish, because while writing  this letter maybe I can receive an answer from inside me.
I followed almost everything you asked me , with or without my will, somehow blindly, because I don't which is the final destination.
For some years, you guide me to go back to my childhood. I try almost every night before sleep, to remember or to receive a sign. Why you send me back there? I don't remember much and I don't know how will change me what I will find out.
I discovered lately music and I would like to discover my voice. I know once I had a voice and I lost it somehow. Where? I don't know."

When I wrote this letter, I must have been drunk, because I don't remember to whom I addressed it. To God? He is the only one who could guide me. To my mentor? Unlikely, because does not know about my childhood. And the others, do not talk too much with me.
Instead, I remember I try to find every night an answer from my childhood. What I search there? Why?I do not know. Inside me I know I have to find out. There is a way to turn back in time, and I must find it.

I was such a scared child, with no dreams , but who experimented things. I strove to live among humans but was so much difficult. I was afraid of them, I was afraid of their aggressive behaviour. I was an atypical child and everybody told this. But now, nobody remembers. Just me. Now I am a total typical, boring adult. I lost my uniqueness, because I couldn't adapt in the society. I still can't adapt, but I fake it. If not, I suffer because people are so cruel with people who are different.
I learnt so many , back then, alone . It was only me in the room, and plenty of books. My library was poor, but was all I had. And I had plenty of time. Too much time, alone. My imagination went crazy. I finished to read all the books. And I was only 4. Why did I learnt alone to read? Because I was bored. So much bored that I had to invent stories, to play alone and to do something. So I learnt to read, to speak English and Italian and to write. And I was only 4 years old and nobody knew or cared at the beginning.
And was so weird to me, I didn't understand why we pronounce and write differently some words. It made no sense for me. But finally I learnt and at 5 years old I read newspapers in my mom's office.
And people were impressed by me, and I didn't understand why. They all could read , even better than me. And they made such difference because I was a child. Now I understand , but back then, I couldn't understand why they treated me like a child. I felt like an old person.
And I wanted to give advices to people, but they laughed at me, so I stopped talking. I felt it was better to not say what I think. They always mocked me. So I lost my confidence in myself.
But I didn't suffer because of this, I suffered because I had so much time and so few things to do. I couldn't explore. That was my suffering. I had so many obstacles and the whole house and world at my discretion. The adults scared me a lot: if you do this , it will happen this to you: you could die, somebody will rob you, etc.
Too many obstacles in the world, but I was alone and I had to do something while respecting the rules of adults. I feared the adults and I respected and listened them. So I got myself in the world of imagination and books. At 8 years old I was reading Shakespeare, and I loved it. I couldn't understand the love he presented there but I felt good while reading. Now when I read Shakespeare I feel deep sad inside me, but at 8 years old I didn't feel this, I felt joy. I felt it because I didn't know how the world is, and I thought people are not bad and people do not suffer and this is only the writer's imagination.
I also felt sometimes the need to talk with people, but they would not talk with me. The children were attacking each other and they had a weird behaviour, they were breaking all the society rules. They broke plates, made stupid things, and made their parents unhappy. I didn't want this, to make somebody sad. So I respected all the rules, and made never a stupid thing. I was behaving like an adult. So I wanted to talk with adults,but they would talk with me few things, they talked like with a stupid child. They didn't talk about the novels I read about the news I read. They said a child shouldn't talk about this. So it became soon reading prohibited for me and also not sleeping at late hours.
And I couldn't accept it. Was the only thing I couldn't accept. I had to read. Without this, I would rather have died. My life had no sense. And I found a solution, I found a small source of light and read by it in the night, when my parents were sleeping.
At a moment I created my own stories, while playing with dolls. And I started to write. I wrote poems, but they burned my poems because were not good enough for this world. In this world the writers  starve. They can't have a job.
So I stopped writing. I believed I was not talented.
I continued reading, but I didn't have money for books so I started to borrow books and to go to the library. But most of the books I couldn't find.
When I was in primary school I continued to be weird for the others because I was shy, especially with boys. I couldn't talk easily, because I was ugly. And my biggest wish was to be beautiful to have more confidence and to be liked by boys.
This dream came true when I was in highschool, but this is another story.

Work eat sleep and repeat

Some people find themselves in my mind, and I feel like I have to write about them. I write and everything gets more clear  in my mind.
I've met a guy who looked like me. I was thrilled by his appearance, by his way of speaking, his attitude, his presence, because he was so similar. Like we were twins.
In him I saw myself. And I became very attracted in just some seconds. I would say it is now usual for me, but in this case it was very easy.
I felt like I known him for a long time and I was so comfortable with him. We got deeper in discussions and I liked him more and more. I felt butterflies in my stomach like a high school girl. He told me nice words and was captured by me too.
But this story ended so much fast without words. I felt he is a lost case, when I observed his lack of enthusiasm, his constant preoccupation for work and he was always at watch. He was always in hurry and did not live in the present. In that moment I realized how bad can a person feel when stands near a person like actual him. I was like this for too much long. I didn't care about other's feelings, and I was acting and thinking only at my career, at my job and at my well-being, for being able to start all over again: work eat sleep.and repeat . He was that kind of guy.
In some days he lost total interest in me and I felt bad because I knew I can't help him. Without a passion, without a hobby, without a reason to dream of, you are like a robot. You can live, but you can't be happy. He told me this situation will last only 1 or 2 years until he will gain a better position and more money and after he will take care of other aspects. But he was already not so young, and he was saying this since so much long. If you do not take care in time of your dreams, passions and whatever thrills you , you will lose the train. And once lost, maybe you will never catch him again.
He disappeared from my life without a word, but I knew it can't be another way. I was not at the right moment in his life.But yes, he was at the right moment in my life when I realized how much bad I could cause and how I could destroy myself.
Even now, I am not totally cured and sometimes act like a robot.

Amintiri

A fost o perioada in care imi nu imi permiteam sa imi cumpar o sticla de Coca-Cola, o ciocolata sau o prajitura. Era mai bine, pentru silueta. Era mai bine pentru sanatate, dar tanjeam sa mananc si eu putin ceea ce altii serveau cu atata usurinta.

In mintea mea acele lucruri banale le obtineai cu un efort mare si de cele mai multe ori ajungeam sa renunt sa mai visez la ele, sau poate doar sa sper ca voi primi cadou o cutie de ciocolata.
Cand primeam un cadou, ma bucuram imens si ramaneam datoare persoanei care imi oferea. Primeam atat de rar si era pentru mine o sarbatoare.
Acum orice fel de gustare nu ma mai incanta, pot sa obtin destul de usor. Ceea ce imi lipseste este hrana pentru suflet.
Frustari, compromisuri, incorectitudini, ma incarca zilnic. Superficialitatea relatiilor te face sa te simti din ce in ce mai strain de restul.
Ma simt mai saraca ca oricand. Am incetat sa mai scriu, pentru ca desi simteam ca mai am multe de oferit lumii, nu ma mai regaseam in niciun scop.
Nu am renuntat la vise, dar parca au renuntat ele la mine. Am mai multe motive decat oricand sa fiu multumita, fericita, dar vine un moment in viata in care simti ca viata trece pe langa tine si tu nu ai realizat nimic important.

Hurts

"Never give up, it's such a wonderful life."

If I turn back in my past and remember things that happened and affected me , maybe I would start to cry  or maybe I feel nothing.
For my past love stories, when I remember I feel nothing. It's like I see a movie in which I  was not the main character. But for the memories I had with somebody who is still in my life, for example my parents, I will remember and maybe cry for hours, or for days.
When somebody tells you, that you have a problem, maybe you would reflect for a moment and forget about this chapter quickly. If more close persons would tell you that you have a problem, then maybe your heart will broke in pieces and maybe you will forget to breath or to live for a moment.
Bad words could be like swords and wounds will always leave behind signs.
Or maybe you will start to convince yourself that you really have a problem, and behave like this.
People are always comparing yourself with others, you are never good enough for them. Always you will lack something, which is normal, because nobody is perfect.
The thing that bothers others or which is called to be my defect is my "hypersensitivity". This is such a paradox because some people would tell me my biggest defect is my "coldness", "selfishness" or lack of emotion, compassion. Other would tell me , I am too much calm, meanwhile my best friend will tell me I am too much aggressive.
They are all people who see what they want to see. We throw words, judge and try to correct people, but we can't correct ourselves.
We give advices but we can't explain why and how.
I will turn back to sensitivity. I try for years each night, to remember my past , before 7 years old. I can remember pieces from my life, but I can't remember the whole puzzle. I know I have to find there in past, something that can make me complete and happy now in present or in future.
I don't find my roots, I don't know what I am , I forgot my potential and I have to find it back.
When you search for something you lost or you think you lost, makes you feel different.

When you are an adult you change so much yourself and you start to forget how you were, how you thought, what you did. Now we are only a copy of somebody, which is a copy of somebody. Now we have all problems, before we didn't know what means problem.
If something goes wrong I have a problem, or the society has a problem or somebody has a problem.
The only key is to turn back to your past, to remember , to learn again to forget what everybody thought you: the society , the school, the people around you.

When I got close to people and needed them I learnt that I am all my life alone, even if I am surrounded by people. I discovered the bad side of the humans, which I didn't believe it exists, only in stories. That side of the people and the contact with people made me weak in the end, not stronger.
I am more sensitive, more unhappy than ever.
I would give anything to turn back to my world.

next week

When I were in your arms and you promised me we will see again and when you told me nice things I believed you. We were in the most uncommon situation. Our love was prohibited. Nothing in this world would allow us to be together.
I would rather say we were not made for each other. Now you left and let me alone without a word. And now I know you will come back , but not for me, but for work. You will see me at my desk, and you will avoid to look at me. Why? Because you feel ashamed and because you see me as an obstacle . You can't live without me, but also you can't live with me.
When you will pass this room, your heart will beat faster, and you will feel like you would prefer to run, but you have to face your fear and enter in this room. You will pray to not see me, you will look straight but to other colleagues, not to me. But still , the destiny will force you to look in my eyes. And then, you will not know what to say, and you will invent something, but something related with work. I will not answer , and you will run away.
You will pretend nothing happened between us, you will pretend you don't love me, you will pretend you don't care about me.
Like last time, when everybody kissed you on the cheek , except me. Why didn't I kiss you? Because my kiss would have betrayed your intentions. And you thanked me for that, but you still stole my kiss hours later.
Now you will want to steal my kiss again, but in the same time you hate me.
The best part is that I don't know what will happen. I have no clue. When I dreamt you in that castle, I knew you love me in secret, and one year after my dream came true. But now, I have no clue. Maybe our story had come to an end. It's not an end like in stories, but an atypical end.  Next week, I will see you and I don't know how I will be, how I will react. Maybe you know. I used to know too.

If one day

"If one day I would sit at the sea relaxed and calm, I could say I am happy. I still don't know if I would prefer to be alone with my thoughts or to be in a good company.
Love, passion are old words for me. I am an old man, with old feelings, I could say I barely remember all my experiences.
Still, I wish to start dreaming one day. I work hardly, every day and night, and I know it's in vain. My happiness doesn't rely on this, but it's destroyed step by step.
I used to be warmed by a smile, I used to dream with open eyes at somebody and now when I try to dream , my mind blocks. I can imagine faces , persons, actions, but I can't feel anything.
I created a human being one day, but now I can't recreate myself.
I feel enthusiastic only in the presence of my creation.
And..oh ,..I was such a passionate man. I used to dedicate my life to love.Now I dedicate my life to sadness and frustration. I am a perfectionists, and I don't stop until I don't succeed.
It was you and me and all the others in my mind, and now you are a ghost.
And they are also ghosts. They are all ghosts in my mind. My friends, my family, my lovers, my neighbors.

I am such a solitary man, and I wish to feel the sea, to die in the sea. I wish to wish somebody. But sometimes I think my heart was replaced with a stone. Still I am so much sensitive to negativity. I am attacked every day by the media and with every journalists that asks me how could I, I feel like I am stabbed in my chest.  I am wondering if any person in this world would understand what I feel. Sometimes I meet people and I get enthusiastic but soon, this will dissipate. I am so much attacked at the workplace. They would laugh in my face, they would kick me out of my institute, but still I won't give up. "

-Are you still convinced you want to write a book about my life story? He asked Diana, and Diana said yes.
My life is interesting, but I am a difficult person. Everybody would accuse me after reading this book.
-To judge somebody is in our nature, but don't worry, nobody did what you did, and nobody could understand you, because you are the only person in this world to create a human clone.
Thank you Diana. Your words are always warm.

She would say out loud that she loves him, but how could she when his heart was a stone? She tried so hard to show him how loyal she is to him, but he won't see her.Or maybe he can't see her.
She had to continue her life with the idea that she really met her idol in this life and she had the chance to write a book about his life.

Story

I always wanted to meet my creator. When I finally did, I felt worse than before. I didn't receive the answers I needed.
When I asked him about the reasons of cloning a person he asked me:

-Why do you create programs, softs?
- Excuse me, there is no connection between what you did and what I do. You are playing with life. I am playing with objects, I said rather angry than upset. I couldn't understand how could he make such a comparation.
-Let me tell you a story.

Once, the legend says in this world more Gods lived in peace and harmony and each one knew his place and his powers.Each God had different powers and they completed perfectly each other.
But one God, wanted to be special. Of course, they were all special, yet all equal.
This God thought the world is too much boring and senseless without problems. He thought peace is a bad things for their development.He thought one God could have all these powers.
His gift was to control weather, but he wanted something more, to control something else, he didn't want to do the same things every day, predictable things. We could say he was ambitious, and rebel.
So, he wanted to create something similar with them. He created humans, but he wanted to make sure these humans will create problems in the world, but will not destroy this world. He had his fears.
So , he said people can do anything they want, but they will not have our powers. People can't create other people.
He created the humans and observed them, and after many many years, he became bored. Humans were like animals, only instincts they showed, and almost nothing differentiated them from other species.
The other Gods even didn't care about this. They were immortal, and these humans were limited in everything. No threat for the Gods, they were amused every day by these creations.
The God of the weather saw that his creations are insignificant and he wanted to prove something to himself and to the other Gods.
He started to give man more intellect and more power, to bring him closer to the God capacity.
In time, man created and invented things that nobody could ever thought will exist. Man invented and keeps inventing almost everything.
Now humans were a threat for the Gods, but they were no longer insignificant. Because of this knowledge many wars could have destroyed the world.
The Gods were afraid, and so religion was created by the state, to protect the world, and to control the people, because they could do anything.
The human wanted to be able to create anything. Great inventions were born, in every field. Life was the most important subject.
............
To be continued.

How is called that feeling?

19.24 p.m

How is called that feeling? I was struggling a lot to remember something from my past life. These days I am senseless when it comes to feelings. I am tired of searching answers and I am tired of being alone in this world. If I am the only clone around here, if I am an experiment who could answer my questions?

When I asked her she answered to me: -We are all the same. You think you can't find your place in this world because you are a clone. A poor man in a rich country thinks the same. An old among youngsters would feel he doesn't belong there, and so on.
I am a woman and I don't belong in this man ruled world. I am sensitive and I don't belong in this country. I don't have answers like you. I may be naturally created, but do I know for sure if I have a soul? Do I know which is the purpose of life?

-I think....you didn't understand anything.
I am lost. I may die soon. I am 25 years old and I can die in any moment, and no doctor could answer to this. If you remember the sheep Dolly, it aged very fast and died earlier.
I am so scared but in the same time, I don't care. I hate this life.
I feel special because of this, but I am just a copy.
Do you know how is to be told you are not a different person from your original?

I lived 25 years and I don't know where to go or what to do. Before I found out that my parents are not my parents , that I may not be a human, just a copy, my life changed totally.
I started to not feel things I felt before. Maybe I don't have the right to feel and now the feelings are gone? Maybe my feelings were just an illusion before? I used to dream and now I use to bleed.
I used to love and now I use to isolate myself.
When I kiss a woman I feel nothing, but I still do this. I try hard to remember how I felt before. How reacted my body years ago. I struggle to get a glimpse of feelings, but nothing.
My body does not react my mind is in another place.I would like to connect to the moment, to the person who is near me but I cannot.
I used to have dreams, that now are fulfilling but I lost my enthusiasm. I was more happy before when I dreamed  than now , when my dreams come true.