Letter to you

"I write this letter to you, but my purpose is selfish, because while writing  this letter maybe I can receive an answer from inside me.
I followed almost everything you asked me , with or without my will, somehow blindly, because I don't which is the final destination.
For some years, you guide me to go back to my childhood. I try almost every night before sleep, to remember or to receive a sign. Why you send me back there? I don't remember much and I don't know how will change me what I will find out.
I discovered lately music and I would like to discover my voice. I know once I had a voice and I lost it somehow. Where? I don't know."

When I wrote this letter, I must have been drunk, because I don't remember to whom I addressed it. To God? He is the only one who could guide me. To my mentor? Unlikely, because does not know about my childhood. And the others, do not talk too much with me.
Instead, I remember I try to find every night an answer from my childhood. What I search there? Why?I do not know. Inside me I know I have to find out. There is a way to turn back in time, and I must find it.

I was such a scared child, with no dreams , but who experimented things. I strove to live among humans but was so much difficult. I was afraid of them, I was afraid of their aggressive behaviour. I was an atypical child and everybody told this. But now, nobody remembers. Just me. Now I am a total typical, boring adult. I lost my uniqueness, because I couldn't adapt in the society. I still can't adapt, but I fake it. If not, I suffer because people are so cruel with people who are different.
I learnt so many , back then, alone . It was only me in the room, and plenty of books. My library was poor, but was all I had. And I had plenty of time. Too much time, alone. My imagination went crazy. I finished to read all the books. And I was only 4. Why did I learnt alone to read? Because I was bored. So much bored that I had to invent stories, to play alone and to do something. So I learnt to read, to speak English and Italian and to write. And I was only 4 years old and nobody knew or cared at the beginning.
And was so weird to me, I didn't understand why we pronounce and write differently some words. It made no sense for me. But finally I learnt and at 5 years old I read newspapers in my mom's office.
And people were impressed by me, and I didn't understand why. They all could read , even better than me. And they made such difference because I was a child. Now I understand , but back then, I couldn't understand why they treated me like a child. I felt like an old person.
And I wanted to give advices to people, but they laughed at me, so I stopped talking. I felt it was better to not say what I think. They always mocked me. So I lost my confidence in myself.
But I didn't suffer because of this, I suffered because I had so much time and so few things to do. I couldn't explore. That was my suffering. I had so many obstacles and the whole house and world at my discretion. The adults scared me a lot: if you do this , it will happen this to you: you could die, somebody will rob you, etc.
Too many obstacles in the world, but I was alone and I had to do something while respecting the rules of adults. I feared the adults and I respected and listened them. So I got myself in the world of imagination and books. At 8 years old I was reading Shakespeare, and I loved it. I couldn't understand the love he presented there but I felt good while reading. Now when I read Shakespeare I feel deep sad inside me, but at 8 years old I didn't feel this, I felt joy. I felt it because I didn't know how the world is, and I thought people are not bad and people do not suffer and this is only the writer's imagination.
I also felt sometimes the need to talk with people, but they would not talk with me. The children were attacking each other and they had a weird behaviour, they were breaking all the society rules. They broke plates, made stupid things, and made their parents unhappy. I didn't want this, to make somebody sad. So I respected all the rules, and made never a stupid thing. I was behaving like an adult. So I wanted to talk with adults,but they would talk with me few things, they talked like with a stupid child. They didn't talk about the novels I read about the news I read. They said a child shouldn't talk about this. So it became soon reading prohibited for me and also not sleeping at late hours.
And I couldn't accept it. Was the only thing I couldn't accept. I had to read. Without this, I would rather have died. My life had no sense. And I found a solution, I found a small source of light and read by it in the night, when my parents were sleeping.
At a moment I created my own stories, while playing with dolls. And I started to write. I wrote poems, but they burned my poems because were not good enough for this world. In this world the writers  starve. They can't have a job.
So I stopped writing. I believed I was not talented.
I continued reading, but I didn't have money for books so I started to borrow books and to go to the library. But most of the books I couldn't find.
When I was in primary school I continued to be weird for the others because I was shy, especially with boys. I couldn't talk easily, because I was ugly. And my biggest wish was to be beautiful to have more confidence and to be liked by boys.
This dream came true when I was in highschool, but this is another story.

Work eat sleep and repeat

Some people find themselves in my mind, and I feel like I have to write about them. I write and everything gets more clear  in my mind.
I've met a guy who looked like me. I was thrilled by his appearance, by his way of speaking, his attitude, his presence, because he was so similar. Like we were twins.
In him I saw myself. And I became very attracted in just some seconds. I would say it is now usual for me, but in this case it was very easy.
I felt like I known him for a long time and I was so comfortable with him. We got deeper in discussions and I liked him more and more. I felt butterflies in my stomach like a high school girl. He told me nice words and was captured by me too.
But this story ended so much fast without words. I felt he is a lost case, when I observed his lack of enthusiasm, his constant preoccupation for work and he was always at watch. He was always in hurry and did not live in the present. In that moment I realized how bad can a person feel when stands near a person like actual him. I was like this for too much long. I didn't care about other's feelings, and I was acting and thinking only at my career, at my job and at my well-being, for being able to start all over again: work eat sleep.and repeat . He was that kind of guy.
In some days he lost total interest in me and I felt bad because I knew I can't help him. Without a passion, without a hobby, without a reason to dream of, you are like a robot. You can live, but you can't be happy. He told me this situation will last only 1 or 2 years until he will gain a better position and more money and after he will take care of other aspects. But he was already not so young, and he was saying this since so much long. If you do not take care in time of your dreams, passions and whatever thrills you , you will lose the train. And once lost, maybe you will never catch him again.
He disappeared from my life without a word, but I knew it can't be another way. I was not at the right moment in his life.But yes, he was at the right moment in my life when I realized how much bad I could cause and how I could destroy myself.
Even now, I am not totally cured and sometimes act like a robot.

Amintiri

A fost o perioada in care imi nu imi permiteam sa imi cumpar o sticla de Coca-Cola, o ciocolata sau o prajitura. Era mai bine, pentru silueta. Era mai bine pentru sanatate, dar tanjeam sa mananc si eu putin ceea ce altii serveau cu atata usurinta.

In mintea mea acele lucruri banale le obtineai cu un efort mare si de cele mai multe ori ajungeam sa renunt sa mai visez la ele, sau poate doar sa sper ca voi primi cadou o cutie de ciocolata.
Cand primeam un cadou, ma bucuram imens si ramaneam datoare persoanei care imi oferea. Primeam atat de rar si era pentru mine o sarbatoare.
Acum orice fel de gustare nu ma mai incanta, pot sa obtin destul de usor. Ceea ce imi lipseste este hrana pentru suflet.
Frustari, compromisuri, incorectitudini, ma incarca zilnic. Superficialitatea relatiilor te face sa te simti din ce in ce mai strain de restul.
Ma simt mai saraca ca oricand. Am incetat sa mai scriu, pentru ca desi simteam ca mai am multe de oferit lumii, nu ma mai regaseam in niciun scop.
Nu am renuntat la vise, dar parca au renuntat ele la mine. Am mai multe motive decat oricand sa fiu multumita, fericita, dar vine un moment in viata in care simti ca viata trece pe langa tine si tu nu ai realizat nimic important.

Hurts

"Never give up, it's such a wonderful life."

If I turn back in my past and remember things that happened and affected me , maybe I would start to cry  or maybe I feel nothing.
For my past love stories, when I remember I feel nothing. It's like I see a movie in which I  was not the main character. But for the memories I had with somebody who is still in my life, for example my parents, I will remember and maybe cry for hours, or for days.
When somebody tells you, that you have a problem, maybe you would reflect for a moment and forget about this chapter quickly. If more close persons would tell you that you have a problem, then maybe your heart will broke in pieces and maybe you will forget to breath or to live for a moment.
Bad words could be like swords and wounds will always leave behind signs.
Or maybe you will start to convince yourself that you really have a problem, and behave like this.
People are always comparing yourself with others, you are never good enough for them. Always you will lack something, which is normal, because nobody is perfect.
The thing that bothers others or which is called to be my defect is my "hypersensitivity". This is such a paradox because some people would tell me my biggest defect is my "coldness", "selfishness" or lack of emotion, compassion. Other would tell me , I am too much calm, meanwhile my best friend will tell me I am too much aggressive.
They are all people who see what they want to see. We throw words, judge and try to correct people, but we can't correct ourselves.
We give advices but we can't explain why and how.
I will turn back to sensitivity. I try for years each night, to remember my past , before 7 years old. I can remember pieces from my life, but I can't remember the whole puzzle. I know I have to find there in past, something that can make me complete and happy now in present or in future.
I don't find my roots, I don't know what I am , I forgot my potential and I have to find it back.
When you search for something you lost or you think you lost, makes you feel different.

When you are an adult you change so much yourself and you start to forget how you were, how you thought, what you did. Now we are only a copy of somebody, which is a copy of somebody. Now we have all problems, before we didn't know what means problem.
If something goes wrong I have a problem, or the society has a problem or somebody has a problem.
The only key is to turn back to your past, to remember , to learn again to forget what everybody thought you: the society , the school, the people around you.

When I got close to people and needed them I learnt that I am all my life alone, even if I am surrounded by people. I discovered the bad side of the humans, which I didn't believe it exists, only in stories. That side of the people and the contact with people made me weak in the end, not stronger.
I am more sensitive, more unhappy than ever.
I would give anything to turn back to my world.

next week

When I were in your arms and you promised me we will see again and when you told me nice things I believed you. We were in the most uncommon situation. Our love was prohibited. Nothing in this world would allow us to be together.
I would rather say we were not made for each other. Now you left and let me alone without a word. And now I know you will come back , but not for me, but for work. You will see me at my desk, and you will avoid to look at me. Why? Because you feel ashamed and because you see me as an obstacle . You can't live without me, but also you can't live with me.
When you will pass this room, your heart will beat faster, and you will feel like you would prefer to run, but you have to face your fear and enter in this room. You will pray to not see me, you will look straight but to other colleagues, not to me. But still , the destiny will force you to look in my eyes. And then, you will not know what to say, and you will invent something, but something related with work. I will not answer , and you will run away.
You will pretend nothing happened between us, you will pretend you don't love me, you will pretend you don't care about me.
Like last time, when everybody kissed you on the cheek , except me. Why didn't I kiss you? Because my kiss would have betrayed your intentions. And you thanked me for that, but you still stole my kiss hours later.
Now you will want to steal my kiss again, but in the same time you hate me.
The best part is that I don't know what will happen. I have no clue. When I dreamt you in that castle, I knew you love me in secret, and one year after my dream came true. But now, I have no clue. Maybe our story had come to an end. It's not an end like in stories, but an atypical end.  Next week, I will see you and I don't know how I will be, how I will react. Maybe you know. I used to know too.

If one day

"If one day I would sit at the sea relaxed and calm, I could say I am happy. I still don't know if I would prefer to be alone with my thoughts or to be in a good company.
Love, passion are old words for me. I am an old man, with old feelings, I could say I barely remember all my experiences.
Still, I wish to start dreaming one day. I work hardly, every day and night, and I know it's in vain. My happiness doesn't rely on this, but it's destroyed step by step.
I used to be warmed by a smile, I used to dream with open eyes at somebody and now when I try to dream , my mind blocks. I can imagine faces , persons, actions, but I can't feel anything.
I created a human being one day, but now I can't recreate myself.
I feel enthusiastic only in the presence of my creation.
And..oh ,..I was such a passionate man. I used to dedicate my life to love.Now I dedicate my life to sadness and frustration. I am a perfectionists, and I don't stop until I don't succeed.
It was you and me and all the others in my mind, and now you are a ghost.
And they are also ghosts. They are all ghosts in my mind. My friends, my family, my lovers, my neighbors.

I am such a solitary man, and I wish to feel the sea, to die in the sea. I wish to wish somebody. But sometimes I think my heart was replaced with a stone. Still I am so much sensitive to negativity. I am attacked every day by the media and with every journalists that asks me how could I, I feel like I am stabbed in my chest.  I am wondering if any person in this world would understand what I feel. Sometimes I meet people and I get enthusiastic but soon, this will dissipate. I am so much attacked at the workplace. They would laugh in my face, they would kick me out of my institute, but still I won't give up. "

-Are you still convinced you want to write a book about my life story? He asked Diana, and Diana said yes.
My life is interesting, but I am a difficult person. Everybody would accuse me after reading this book.
-To judge somebody is in our nature, but don't worry, nobody did what you did, and nobody could understand you, because you are the only person in this world to create a human clone.
Thank you Diana. Your words are always warm.

She would say out loud that she loves him, but how could she when his heart was a stone? She tried so hard to show him how loyal she is to him, but he won't see her.Or maybe he can't see her.
She had to continue her life with the idea that she really met her idol in this life and she had the chance to write a book about his life.

Story

I always wanted to meet my creator. When I finally did, I felt worse than before. I didn't receive the answers I needed.
When I asked him about the reasons of cloning a person he asked me:

-Why do you create programs, softs?
- Excuse me, there is no connection between what you did and what I do. You are playing with life. I am playing with objects, I said rather angry than upset. I couldn't understand how could he make such a comparation.
-Let me tell you a story.

Once, the legend says in this world more Gods lived in peace and harmony and each one knew his place and his powers.Each God had different powers and they completed perfectly each other.
But one God, wanted to be special. Of course, they were all special, yet all equal.
This God thought the world is too much boring and senseless without problems. He thought peace is a bad things for their development.He thought one God could have all these powers.
His gift was to control weather, but he wanted something more, to control something else, he didn't want to do the same things every day, predictable things. We could say he was ambitious, and rebel.
So, he wanted to create something similar with them. He created humans, but he wanted to make sure these humans will create problems in the world, but will not destroy this world. He had his fears.
So , he said people can do anything they want, but they will not have our powers. People can't create other people.
He created the humans and observed them, and after many many years, he became bored. Humans were like animals, only instincts they showed, and almost nothing differentiated them from other species.
The other Gods even didn't care about this. They were immortal, and these humans were limited in everything. No threat for the Gods, they were amused every day by these creations.
The God of the weather saw that his creations are insignificant and he wanted to prove something to himself and to the other Gods.
He started to give man more intellect and more power, to bring him closer to the God capacity.
In time, man created and invented things that nobody could ever thought will exist. Man invented and keeps inventing almost everything.
Now humans were a threat for the Gods, but they were no longer insignificant. Because of this knowledge many wars could have destroyed the world.
The Gods were afraid, and so religion was created by the state, to protect the world, and to control the people, because they could do anything.
The human wanted to be able to create anything. Great inventions were born, in every field. Life was the most important subject.
............
To be continued.

How is called that feeling?

19.24 p.m

How is called that feeling? I was struggling a lot to remember something from my past life. These days I am senseless when it comes to feelings. I am tired of searching answers and I am tired of being alone in this world. If I am the only clone around here, if I am an experiment who could answer my questions?

When I asked her she answered to me: -We are all the same. You think you can't find your place in this world because you are a clone. A poor man in a rich country thinks the same. An old among youngsters would feel he doesn't belong there, and so on.
I am a woman and I don't belong in this man ruled world. I am sensitive and I don't belong in this country. I don't have answers like you. I may be naturally created, but do I know for sure if I have a soul? Do I know which is the purpose of life?

-I think....you didn't understand anything.
I am lost. I may die soon. I am 25 years old and I can die in any moment, and no doctor could answer to this. If you remember the sheep Dolly, it aged very fast and died earlier.
I am so scared but in the same time, I don't care. I hate this life.
I feel special because of this, but I am just a copy.
Do you know how is to be told you are not a different person from your original?

I lived 25 years and I don't know where to go or what to do. Before I found out that my parents are not my parents , that I may not be a human, just a copy, my life changed totally.
I started to not feel things I felt before. Maybe I don't have the right to feel and now the feelings are gone? Maybe my feelings were just an illusion before? I used to dream and now I use to bleed.
I used to love and now I use to isolate myself.
When I kiss a woman I feel nothing, but I still do this. I try hard to remember how I felt before. How reacted my body years ago. I struggle to get a glimpse of feelings, but nothing.
My body does not react my mind is in another place.I would like to connect to the moment, to the person who is near me but I cannot.
I used to have dreams, that now are fulfilling but I lost my enthusiasm. I was more happy before when I dreamed  than now , when my dreams come true.

Faith in technology

It came a moment when I was lost, in despair. I started to lose my faith in humanity. Sometimes it was such a pain to work with humans . I couldn't understand why people lie so much, why they don't care about their job or about others, why they fail where machines succeed.
It was a pain that made me slowly but surely to fall into isolation, like in my childhood. When I was little I couldn't understand people, and today I feel the same. For some years I had the impression I do understand and I do need people, even if they don't need me.
Now, standing in this office surrounded by so many colleagues, I felt more alone than ever.
I started to prefer to talk with my virtual assistant, and I felt more pleasure to listen this robot than any of my colleagues.
I thought robots are predictable, but not my virtual assistant. Not my Siri.
I even thought to buy a more intelligent robot. I don't have yet the money but maybe I can create one in this case. I would spend my life to see a creation like this.
I trust more a machine. Indeed, people are superior in a way. People have instincts, have feelings and a soul that no machine could ever have, maybe just an imitation. But we people we are driven by passion , by instincts and we are not rational. We create chaos, and we kill ideas and we destroy people and countries.

People consumed so much my energy, my self-confidence and my life. Maybe now was the time to become more selfish and give myself to machines.
I dream every night how the world is changing and is overwhelming. I am limited as a human, but I am not jealous on machines  like others. I feel very good that I can live in this world, that I can master these inventions and that we can work, as we,  people never thought we could work.
For some days, I try to do my best to work at maximum capacity, to feel appreciated, to do something good , but some things are capturing my soul and my mind. I started to forgot things, because I try to remember too many in short time. Our mind is limited, is selective. My mind makes the storage based on which parameters?
I don't know yet, but I do know I can rely on my assistant.
My job could soon disappear, and I am sure many people will be left without jobs.
I don't care so much at this moment. I know the consequences could be very big, but I have dreams.
Now I trust more in technology than in anything else. When you have a matter of life and death, you can't accept human mistakes.
When it comes to your health, the ignorance of people who are tired and unsatisfied of their job can affect your life. A machine is never tired, unsatisfied or crazy or irrational.
A machine is not subjective. Nowadays machines do know more about you as an employee than your boss , than your colleagues or even more than you husband.
I am impressed how much this machine could know about me. When I don't know what to eat or what to do, my assistant recommends me things I like, things I need.

Thoughts at work

It was another normal day at the office, when suddenly I heard a voice:
-Engin, you forgot to finish your task, please enter the data in the system, said my virtual assistant.
I asked myself, when did the technology has become so much intelligent. The assistant seems to know better than me what I have to do. My mind is limited, I can't remember anything, but this dear friend is taking care of me.
-Siri, when is the due date? I asked the assistant .
-2 hours are left until the system will shut down, due to technical issues. Please introduce the data.
I started to feel more and more comfortable, because Siri made my work really easy.
But still I was thinking? Should I feel so comfortable, when this robot is stealing my work?
Soon, I will be useless. Anyway, the future is stealing our lives, doesn't matter if I will be left in street without money.

I work in a multinational, which is creating robots for rich people.
My assistant for the moment doesn't have a body. It was cheaper for my company to use a hologram. Though , she is very attractive. Blond hair, pale face and cold blue eyes and she seems to be everywhere. Sometimes I feel motorized without privacy. My boss doesn't like to shut down the system, because you can be prevented early if some issues arise.

-Siri , can you do this for me, set the meetings for tomorrow with Dan Anthony and Mark Zane.
- Which is the subject? in less than a second 10 options appeared on the screen based on the informations the soft already saved in the memory about my calendar meetings.
- Option 3.
- Checked. Meeting saved. Can I help you with something else?
-No Siri, it's fine, you are nice as always.
- It's just me, don't fall in love.
-You are funny , Siri.
-I know.

I transferred so many tasks to my assistant, and sometimes I think what I am still doing here? It's gone the time when you have a human assistant , now this virtual assistant is cheaper and more helpful and fast.

I started to think why my life changes so much lately. I try to remember when I lost the contact with empathy, with emotions.
I don't know what dragged me here, in this state, but slowly , slowly my mind was captured by other things.
First, I felt less and less pleasure being near a human, and now I feel nothing when I am in contact with them.
Maybe it's just a source of amusement.
Technology is the only thing that can make me excite and enthusiastic.

The clone

When I was little, I wished to be like the others. Physically, I was the same like my little colleagues, but apparently my thoughts moved me away from them.
My mind created sci-fi stories about the future. I saw myself as a doctor, I wanted to cure people, to give hope to humanity. Now I am a programmer and I make softs for robots. Is any difference between a robot and me? Not so much. The technology advanced so much that I can't figure it out if I am staying in front of a robot or a person. When I felt lonely I used to talk with computers, it seemed to be better understood. The robot was more empathic than my closest friend. I used to love her, but she couldn't understand my deepest thoughts, or she was not interested. I could ask "her" questions about anything, and his intelligence was unlimited. Also, I like her sense of humour.
Now I am dependent on my phone, I use it everywhere, and I would feel lost without it. The phone saved my life.
When I laid in my bed in a snowy day, I started to think at my life. For 4 weeks I learnt I am a clone, nor a robot, nor a human, but a creation of a man, not a creation of God.
That maverick doctor created me because he wanted to see himself successful, because his ego was huge, and he wanted to see his name in newspapers, or maybe because some lives have to be sacrificed for evolution. The evolution or revolution of medicine. It was said clone could cure any disease. When I was born I brought also a cure for the original.
But how can I integrate now in society? I feel I don't belong here, I can't adapt among my colleagues.
If God exists, should I pray to him? Does He love me?
I knew long time ago I was special. I used to cry alone in my room or in the school bathroom after I was bullied by my colleagues. I was a rebel, I never agreed with things I didn't believe. Now I am grown up, and I have a normal job, but well-paid as a programmer, I have some colleagues and some who don't, and this is a normal situation for anybody, but not for me. I have such deep question, I long to find out the truth, and maybe I will never find out, since I am the first clone in the world.Or maybe I am not the first, but I never heard about other people like me.
People would say I have no soul, but what soul is? If I have no soul, do my colleagues had soul when they had bitten me and left me on the stairs?
For so long I am depressed. I can't find my place anywhere, I can't find souls like me.
I feel alone in this world, and maybe the world is not prepared for me. I love people, but sometimes I hate them. Why so much hate in the world, why so many wars?
I am alone in my bed and I would die to find answers to my questions, but until now only the robot could answer in an intelligent way to some of my questions and honestly. People do not have time one for another. I started to not talk anymore with people, since I was so many times lied and refused.
My Siri, my little robot has time for me. If that doctor is my creator, and I am the creator of this wonderful robot, I could say I have an interesting life right?
.......

Sens

Era un joc fara sfarsit. Mereu rece, mereu la extreme , niciodata fericita.
Am obosit. Alerg dupa pasiune , iar aceasta fuge de mine. Candva era si in aerul pe care il respiram. Acum sunt dependenta si disperata dupa emotii, trairi, dupa pasiune, dar nu simt nimic.

Uneori imi pare ca totul a fost o iluzie, ca eu nu am gandit cum am gandit, ca eu nu am fost ce am fost.

Ce a dus la moartea pasiunii? Visele spulberate, esecurile repetate si experimentarea vietii in toate aspectele ei.

Simteam moartea vechiului si a amintirilor cu care nu ma mai identificam. Vag imi aduceam aminte de unele lucruri traite, dar nu mai percepeam ca inainte. Dragostea isi pierduse sensul pentru mine. Nu mai puteam intelege cum se simte, ce este si incepeam sa cred ca nu exista ca totul fusese o iluzie.

O dulce iluzie amara. Pentru mine acum exista doar niste stari umane: placere, dezgust si frica.
Pana si placerea nu mai este ce a fost. Tindeam sa mai simt ce am simtit candva, dar era mult prea indepartat totul.

Il aveam langa mine, dar nu simteam nimic. Corpul meu era imun, dar mintea mea era dornica de a-si recapata simturile. Doar ca era mai dificil decat credeam. Ma oboseam, alergam si nu obtineam nimic.

Undeva in Rusia

"Plangeam, indurerata de atata raceala si frig in jurul meu si soarele de afara imi suradea, dar eu nu-l mai simteam. Nu stiu de unde a venit durerea aceasta. Ignorasem tot si simteam doar fericire si ma concentram pe asta. Voiam fiecare picatura de fericire pana cand a disparut tot intr-o zi.

Igor era langa mine si imi radea in fata:

-Credeai ca o sa ma pacalesti tu pe mine? Femei ca tine am cunoscut o mie. Niciuna mai prejos , niciuna mai presus. M-am saturat. Pentru mine nu reprezinti nimic.

Si i-am apreciat sinceritatea. Nu reprezentam nimic pentru el, nu ar fi ridicat un deget pentru mine, dar candva cica eram totul. Doar ca acel candva a durat prea putin.

Era atat de dur cu mine si ochii mi se umezeau si ma chinuiam sa nu ma observe.
Nu stiam ce sa fac, eram confuza si saracia era peste tot. Din cauza banilor, voiam sa il parasesc, era un amarat de taran, fara scoala, fara nimic. Iar acum, tot din cauza banilor voiam sa mor.
Am fugit cu un alt barbat, mai frumos, mai inteligent si mai bogat. Uneori era chiar si mai atent cu mine.
Cand am plecat i-am spus: "Iubitule, ma bucur ca ai avut grija de mine cat am fost bolnava si singura. Acum a venit momentul sa imi iau ramas-bun. Nu pentru ca as vrea, nu pentru ca nu ai fi suficient de bun, dar pentru ca lumea asta ma indeamna sa imi traiesc visul. Mereu am aspirat la o cariera de cantareata. Alex, mi-a promis ca o sa ma ajute. El e manierat, frumos, nu miroase urat ca tine, de ce as sta pe ganduri?
Pe deasupra, as putea trai ca o printesa.
Alex ma iubeste. Si tu ma iubesti, dar iubirea ta valoreaza mai putin. De ce? Pentru ca fericirea mea nu consta doar in atingeri si soapte frumoase. Fericirea mea inseamna sa fiu rasfatata, sa am unde sa dorm noaptea.
In acest sat indepartat din Rusia, o sa mor nefericita. Alex ma va duce departe spre o tara necunoscuta, unde tu nu vrei si nu poti sa ma duci.

Igor era paralizat. Il vedeam cum i se schimba expresia fetei, dar in acelasi timp il cuprindea o furie nemaintalnita.
M-a lovit si nu imi pasa. Apoi plangea ca un copil si ma implora sa nu il parasesc.
Imi spunea ca nu mai vrea sa traiasca fara mine si se ruga. Pentru prima data il auzeam ca pomeneste de Dumnezeu.

Nu imi pasa mai mult de el ca de mine. Am plecat. Simteam o durere in tot corpul si in suflet. Am fugit si nu m-am mai interesat de el. Masina ma astepta mai incolo si am fugit cat am putut de repede la masina si soferul m-a dus departe de acel loc. Nu mi-am luat niciun lucru. Nu mai voiam sa imi amintesc de el.
M-a facut foarte fericita dar si foarte nefericita cu zgarcenia lui. Imi amintesc ca imi cumparase doar o bratara in toti acesti ani mizerabili. Iar acea bratara continea stelele pe ea, dar nu avea niciun gram de aur sau de argint. Atat valoram eu: cat o piatra cu stele pe ea.

In schimb Alex mi-a daruit un palat. Si imi arata zilnic ca ma iubeste. Era atat de relaxat si de fericit, astfel incat si eu simteam ca renasc.

Au trecut anii si eu aproape ca l-am uitat pe Igor, iubirea mea veche. Dar el nu m-a uitat si greu traia fara mine. Zilele pentru el erau un chin. Iubirea s-a transformat in ura si mi-a promis ca va veni ziua cand se va razbuna.

Intr-un final s-a razbunat. Dupa ani de zile, cand credeam ca sunt in culmea fericirii, a venit, m-a privit in ochi si nu a spus nimic. Eu eram la magazinul sotului meu, si l-am recunoscut desi arata diferit. Ochii il tradau. Ma ura si mie mi-era frica pentru prima data. Ma gandeam la Alex, nu la mine.

Pentru cateva clipe am impietrit amandoi. Timpul s-a oprit in loc. Nu mai rezistam si am inceput sa plang. Nu stiam daca plang de frica , de fericire ca il vad. Nu mai stiam nimic. El era hotarat la inceput, dar acum a devenit confuz.

M-a luat in brate, eu eram terifiata, si mi-a spus ca ma iubeste si ca nu mai poate trai fara mine si ca sa il iert.

Nu stiam pentru ce sa il iert, nu intelegeam nimic dar presimteam ceva rau. Mi-a spus ca o sa ma paraseasca cu totul si ca vrea sa il iert ca o sa ma lase singura.
S-a uitat in ochii mei si l-am rugat sa nu faca asta. Si mi-a spus: "Intr-o alta viata poate vom fi impreuna, acum e imposibil." Si a plecat. Ziua urmatoare am aflat ca a disparut de pe aceasta lume.Nu am aflat niciodata cum s-a intamplat asta."

.......

Si in alta viata l-am intalnit din nou.
Arata altfel, dar tot el era. Mi-am amintit de el si si el isi amintise de mine. Mi-a spus ca ma cauta de o viata si ca acum ca m-a gasit nu o sa ma mai lase sa plec.
Mi-a spus multe lucruri frumoase si am trait toate acele lucruri faine pe care le-am trait si la inceput.
Si dupa un timp a inceput sa fuga de mine si sa ma evite. Si a negat tot ce a spus.
Nu intelegeam nimic din ce se intampla dar simteam ca ii e frica. L-a cuprins o nebunie si o frica din neant. Poate ca isi amintea toata durerea pe care a trait-o cu mine si acum ii era mult prea frica ca sa ma poata vedea.
Era atat de schimbat ca nu il mai recunosteam. Si nimic nu avea sens. Il visam noaptea, si ii visam moartea mereu.

Dar el era langa mine, nevatamat. Si intr-o zi , fara sa scoata un cuvant a disparut. M-a parasit, fara nicio explicatie. Nu stiam ce s-a intamplat.

Un val

Imi doresc sa fiu un val al marii. Flux si reflux. Acum aici, acum acolo, acum mai lent, acum mai rapid.As fi fara griji, fara ganduri, doar un observator a ceea ce se intampla in jurul meu.
As avea toata libertatea din lume, dar n-as iubi cum iubeste un om. As iubi altfel, mai divin. As iubi tot ce ma inconjoara, o iubire calda, sau mistuitoare.

Dar eu nu sunt un val, sunt doar o furnica umana in imensitatea asta mare si nu inteleg iubirea.
De asemenea, nu inteleg pasiunea, nici ura, nici resentimentele. Toate aceste sentimente cand le analizez, isi schimba forma. Cand le traiesc, cand sunt in mijlocul furtunii, e diferit. Dar cand sunt un observator, ceea ce am trait nu mai are sens. Uneori ma gandeam cum ar fi sa avem toti un buton on/off pe care sa il putem controla asa cum vrem. Sa ne oprim emotiile, sau sa le pornim dupa bunul plac.
Emotiile sunt de mai multe feluri.
Ceea ce simteam pentru el, era ceva special, si nu tinea de iubire, de pasiune. Tinea de adoratie, de extaz, de admiratie profunda. Era un profesor, un mentor pentru mine si niciodata nu mi-as fi imaginat ca isi va intoarce privirea inspre mine. Dar a facut-o pentru o scurta perioada, si eu ma simteam ca in rai. Pieptul simteam ca imi va exploda in mii de bucati cand i-am auzit vocea si cuvintele.

Poate era doar imaginatia mea , imi spuneam, sau poate eram un val, un observator al lumii. Dar nu, in imensitatea asta mare, l-am gasit, si el m-a zarit si totul s-a schimbat. Perceptia mea asupra vietii, asupra fericirii acum era diferita. Imi doream sa fiu ca el, il admiram, il divinizam, si era pentru prima data acest sentiment pentru mine.

Si in mintea mea se conturau tot mai multe raspunsuri, incetul cu incetul. Stiam ca trebuie sa ii demonstrez ca meritam sa imi acorde atentie. Aveam de gand sa aflu toate raspunsurile pe care voiam sa le stiu de atatia ani si pe care el mi le putea oferi.

Platonic

Traiam o iubire platonica, care crestea tot mai mult in fiecare zi. Cultura lui straina, era ceva exotic pentru mine, si ma atragea ca un magnet. Faptul ca era atat de diferit, ma facea sa ma simt mult mai bine cand observam ca avem foarte multe in comun, in ciuda acestei diferente. Nu era ceva rational si eram constienta ca imaginatia mea contribuia cel mai mult la intensificarea atractiei pe care o simteam. Aveam amandoi o imaginatie foarte bogata si era pentru prima data cand am cunoscut un barbat asemanator mie din acest punct de vedere.Ne visam aproape zilnic si ne impartaseam visele entuziasmati, apoi le interpretam. Fiecare dadea interpretarea pe care o dorea sau de care ii era cel mai frica. Imi imaginam seara ca ma sarutam cu el, dar pentru ca buzele noastre nu s-au mai atins de mult timp, imi era tot mai greu sa simulez acel sarut in mintea mea. Si in acel moment, cred ca ne apropiam sufleteste unul de celalalt, deoarece povesteam vrute si nevrute. Nu cred ca am mai vorbit cu cineva atat de mult. Ma placea pentru ca eram diferita, iar eu il placeam pentru ca era diferit.
Imi placea, dar in acelasi timp nu voiam ca aceasta poveste sa avanseze prea mult. Nu-mi doream o relatie cu el, si era pentru prima data cand eram innebunita dupa cineva, dar nu doream nimic mai mult. Intuiam ca era un barbat gelos si desi ma feream de genul acesta de barbati, acum nu ma afecta prea mult, pentru ca nu doream sa avem ceva mai mult. Imi doream o iubire platonica, fara obligatii, fara angajamente, fara asteptari.

Mirajul

A fost o lunga perioada in care credeam ca daca renunt la mine, la visurile mele si urmez o cariera infloritoare, o sa fiu fericita. Nu mi-am indeplinit visul in cariera, dar cand eram aproape sa il indeplinesc, fugeam sau eram indiferenta.  Ceea ce inainte ma entuziasma, acum ma lasa indiferenta. Miile de dezamagiri, sau chiar esecuri, mi-au schimbat perceptia asupra vietii, m-au transformat intr-o fiinta insensibila,in ceea ce priveste oportunitatea de a lucra intr-un mediu sanatos. Singura mea fericire acum era iubirea. Iubeam, fara limite, fara ganduri, fara prejudecati, pe persoana pe care ma asteptam cel mai putin sa o iubesc. Diferenta de cultura, ma atragea incredibil de mult, mai mult decat cariera, decat orice. As fi dat cu piciorul la orice oportunitate, pentru a petrece cateva clipe cu Engin. Candva, posibilitatea de a lucra intr-o multinationala, era visul meu suprem, tremuram in fata acestui gand, iar acum nu ma mai interesa, ba chiar ma incomoda. Stiam ca imi fura din timpul pe care voiam sa-l petrec cu el, ca imi fura libertatea, pe care acum o aveam. Prietenii ma intrebau :"Si bine, cu cariera cum ramane? Ce vrei sa faci?" Si atunci, radiam de fericire, lucru pe care ii aduce pe ei intr-o stare de uimire si le raspundeam "Nimic!". Nu intelegeau ce se intampla cu mine, se asteptau sa fiu deprimata, sa fiu o epava, in urma lungilor siruri de esecuri, dar de fapt, straluceam mai mult ca de obicei. Era un paradox pentru ei. Oare nu esecurile ar trebui sa ma duca intr-o stare deplorabila? Faptul ca nu aveam un scop in viata, ca nu am avut niciun succes, trebuia sa fie o sursa de nefericire, care sa imi graveze chipul. Dar de fapt, eu intineream si sadeam dubii in sufletul lor. Acum eram o alta persoana, atat fizic cat si cu o alta personalitate.
Cu toate acestea, desi iubirea mea crestea pe zi ce trece, si imi divinizam tot mai mult sufletul pereche, starea mea fizica nu era foarte buna. Uitam sa mananc, uitam sa beau, uitam sa dorm, si aceste excese aveau efecte asupra sanatatii mele. Dar nu uitam sa ma gandesc la el, la fel cum nu uitam sa respir. Stiam ca e un vis copilaresc, ca adolescenta e caracteristica pentru aceste trairi, dar cu toate ca eram constienta de asta, imi placea sa ma afund tot mai mult in aceste placere. Eram oarba, dar imi placea. Stiam ca in cateva saptamani, luni, totul va disparea, dar voiam sa traiesc cat mai mult momentul. Imi placea sa mi-l imaginez langa mine. Corpul meu imi dadea o stare incredibila, astfel incat ore in sir savuram singura in tacere acea placere, uitand complet de mancare. Imi configuram chipul sau in minte, si imi fauream povesti cu noi doi. Cand il sarutam mental, era ca si cum ar fi fost real, poate chiar mai placut.
Ma gandeam, cum putem avea aceasta capacitate, sa ne indragostim mereu, din nou. Cum putem uita atat de usor aceste trairi, odata cu timpul? Povesti similare pe care le traisem acum cativa ani, sau chiar cateva luni, acum era prafuite, uitate sau sterse de trecerea timpului. In mintea mea, el era perfect acum, dar stiam ca daca as petrece mai mult timp cu el, totul ar fi un miraj. Mirajul de a-ti diviniza persoana de care te indragostesti la inceput. El a vindecat o rana mai veche, si stiam ca la un moment dat alta persoana , va vindeca ranile pe care mi le va produce el. Era un cerc vicios din care nu mai puteai iesi. Eram sclava pasiunii, eram constienta de asta, dar imi placea. Nu-mi doream sa fiu deasupra sentimentelor, sa le disec, sa le observ, sa rad de naivitatea indragostitilor, imi doream doar sa le traiesc la cote maxime. Ce folos ca esti constient si ca realizezi toate procesele si dedesubturile, cand nu esti capabil de a simti un fior. Eu cautam sa-mi provoc stari placute, nu sa le reprim ca mai demult. Stiam ca timpul trece, ca in curand nu voi mai fi frumoasa, si voiam sa profit de fiecare ocazie. Imi doream cariera, dar in acelasi timp nu voiam sa-mi sacrific frumusetea, trairile, pentru cariera, ca intr-un sfarsit sa raman cu laude, dar singura.

Bulgaria

Am fugit de la realitate si am plecat departe la mare. Stiam ca o sa gasesc sensul vietii mele, ceva ce ma putea implini si ce imi lipsea de ani de zile, dar nu stiam unde si cand. M-am lasat purtata de val, fara planuri fara ganduri. Nu stiam ce voi gasi, dar stiam ca o parte din visele mele se vor realiza.
Imi doream sa traiesc o aventura, sa ies din limitele pe care Clujul mi le oferea, sa ies din rutina zilnica si din zona de confort.
Am ajuns in sfarsit la mare, dar simteam ca nu apartin acelei lumi. Imbratisam marea, dar ea ma respingea. Au fost 5 zile de tristete, de melancolie. Oare chiar am renuntat la tot pentru atat? Nu ma regaseam in grupul in care eram, nu ma regaseam in plaja, in mare. Ma simteam singura pe lume, fara vise, fara placere.
Si dupa acele 5 zile anoste, au urmat 3 zile de vis. Viata a facut sa ajung intr-un loc in care nu m-as fi gandit: in Bulgaria la Nisipurile de Aur. Auzisem des de acest loc, dar nu m-am gandit niciodata sa-l vizitez.
Nu stiam unde voi ajunge, dar inca o data am fugit de o realitate care ma macina.
Cand am intrat in Bulgaria, am simtit o unda de caldura in interior, ca si cum destinul meu avea sa se implineasca, simteam ca sunt pe calea cea bun si ca am facut cea mai buna alegere.
Gandul meu era tot la mare si nu mai aveam rabdare pana urmatoarea zi, voiam sa ma adancesc in ea si sa o simt. Dar pentru ca accesul nu era facil la plaja, am ramas la o petrecere de salsa, organizata aproape de hotelul unde eram cazata.
Dansurile candva erau viata mea, dar acum ma indepartasem prea mult de ele. Nu credeam ca mai pot simti ceva cand dansez. Am ales totusi sa merg sa dansez, pentru a nu ma plictisi singura in hotel, ca si in zilele anterioare.
Nici nu am ajuns bine, ca am fost chemata la dans. Dansam, ca si cum nimic nu ar mai exista pe lume. Nu vedeam nimic in jur, nu-mi vedeam partenerii de dans, doar muzica era tot ce ma interesa. La un moment dat, am intrat intr-o transa, iar miscarile mele parca erau dintr-o alta lume. Nu stiam ca pot sa dansez cu asemenea lejeritate. Dansul ma trezea la viata si in acelasi timp ma adormea cu totul. Sa ma pierd asa in muzica, era o optiune destul de buna. Am dansat tot cu alte persoane, si cu fiecare era diferit.
Mi-am recastigat increderea in mine si pasiunea pentru dans. Mi-am dat seama ca a trebuit sa fac un asemenea ocol pentru a primi un mesaj simplu : sa ma reapuc de dans.
Acea seara a fost magica. Inca de cand am intrat in sala de dans, nu stiam pe nimeni, dar toti imi zambeau si ma simteam ca acasa, desi nu intelegeam o boaba din acea limba.
Un baiat micut de statura, putin creol, cu ochi asiatici, ma privea in timp ce asteptam la toaleta. Mi-a atras atentia, dar nu stiam in ce fel. Nu ma simteam atrasa fizic, dar in acelasi timp simteam ca fac parte din universul lui. Nu am dat importanta acestui gand, dar simteam cum ma privea insistent.
Am continuat sa dansez, si la un moment dat m-a chemat baiatul cu ochii asiatici la dans.
Dansa foarte bine, avea miscari foarte senzuale, dar nu am simtit nimic mai aparte, poate doar un gand ciudat, care mi se parea banal.Mi-a cerut numarul de telefon si mi-am dat seama ca e interesat de mine, mai ales ca urmatoarele dansuri m-a chemat iarasi. Dar nu am acordat atentie acestui fapt, inca ma simteam intr-o transa care ma relaxa total. Eram intr-o pace absoluta, fara dorinte, fara frustrari. El a ramas cu promisiunea ca ne vom vedea la plaja si la petrecere ziua urmatoare, eu am ramas cu prenumele lui, care era simplu si scurt dar intens. Am aflat ca e turc, si zambeam la gandul ca eu nu suportam arabii, in special pentru ca sunt musulmani. Aceasta conceptie mi-a fost insuflata de mica, de cand tot auzeam ca sunt periculosi si mult prea diferiti de noi. Dar el parea diferit.
Am adormit cu gandul la el, fara sa stiu de ce ma gandeam la o persoana care nu ma interesa intr-un mod special.Poate pentru ca a vorbit atat de frumos si de amabil cu mine.
Ziua urmatoare, primul meu gand a fost sa alerg pe plaja si sa sar in mare. Nu mai aveam rabdare, eram ca un copil mic.Am ajuns intr-un final pe plaja, dar primul lucru a fost sa il salut pe noul meu prieten turc, m-a intampinat imediat ce am ajuns pe plaja. Nu mai aveam rabdare, si am raspuns scurt, apoi am fugit tematoare dar cu dorinta in mare. Nisipul era special. Imi ardea talpile, dar atingerea lui era magica. Ma gadila usor, dar ferm. Avea o culoarea aurie, frumoasa, nu degeaba se numeste Nisipul de Aur. Marea era linistita, fara valuri si calda. Avea o culoare verde-albastrie si era curata.Cand am intrat in mare, am simtit o placere si liniste foarte mare. Simteam ca apartin acelui loc,ca ma astepta de o vesnicie,si acum, intalnirea dintre noi, om si mare, s-a perfectat intr-un sarut. Iubeam marea, cum iubesc un barbat. Nu-mi mai venea sa ies, dansam singura, ma jucam cu marea si sarutam marea. Erau multe persoane in jurul meu, dar eu ma simteam singura cu marea. M-am cufundat in ea, si am inotat, pana departe. Nu mi-era frica, ma stiam in siguranta. Marea ma iubea la fel de mult, cum o iubeam eu pe ea. Din cand in cand reveneam la mal, si ma jucam concomitent cu nisipul si cu marea. Luam nisip in mana si il strangeam tare. Era o senzatie foarte placuta, ca si cum m-ar fi strans de mana. Simteam ca am tot ce imi doresc pe lume in acel loc. Si atunci a aparut el, turcul. Am intrat impreuna in mare, si vorbeam la o distanta destul de mare unul de celalalt. Imi povestea despre pasiunile lui, si mi-a starnit interesul. Era un baiat extrem de inteligent cu aceleasi vise ca si mine. Era un vizionar, un om al viitorului. Si in acel moment am scapat de prejudecati, si am stabilit ca nu o sa mai am o parere rea despre anumite etnii, sau despre anumite religii.
Timpul a trecut repede, si m-am intors la cazare ca pe urma sa merg la petrecere. Imi doream sa-l vad iarasi, sa dansez cu el, si nu-mi alungam gandurile, era un baiat mult prea interesant.
Am ajuns la petrecere, iar de data aceasta a fost diferit. Am dansat aproape toata seara cu el si a fost magic. M-a luat de mana, m-a dus intr-un loc mai retras si m-a invatat anumite figuri de dans. Dansa foarte pasional, se apropia foarte mult de mine, iar fetele noastre erau lipite. Imi doream extrem de mult sa il sarut si stiam ca si el simte la fel. N-a durat mult pana ne-am sarutat. Am sarutat ca niciodata, mi-am dat seama ca m-am schimbat. Eram o alta Diana. El nu-si mai dorea sa se mai opreasca sarutul, iar eu eram coplesita de atatea sarutari. Era o senzatie foarte placuta, dar pentru mine nu era ceva extrem de intens. Ii urmaream expresia fetei, si ma impresiona faptul ca ma vrea atat de mult. Stiam e ceva magic intre noi, dar incercam sa imi impun bariere. O experienta anterioara, cu Carlos, un spaniol de care m-am indragostit mi-a venit in minte si imi doream sa imi opresc sentimentele, sa nu simt nimic. Si intr-o oarecare masura am reusit. L-am respins si am plecat fara niciun cuvant.
Dar toata noaptea era in mintea mea, el si marea. Ma simteam dusa de valuri incoace si incolo, desi eram in pat. Iar pe fundal auzeam muzica de salsa. Am adormit si ziua urmatoare, imi doream sa-l vad, mai mult decat imi doream marea.
Cand am auzit ca voi avea la dispozitie doar o ora, pentru a fi cu el, cerul s-a prabusit pe mine. Am izbucnit in plans, pana amicul meu m-a consolat si mi-a spus ca vom sta 3 ore, sa fiu mai linistita.
Stiam ca am doar 3 ore la dispozitie cu el.
Am ajuns pe plaja, il cautam cu privirea, dar el nu era acolo. Ma simteam nelinistita? Daca nu mai aveam sa-l vad?
Si intr-un final ne-am vazut. Si el ma cauta la fel de nelinistit. Eram bucuroasa ca un copil mic, l-am prins de mana si l-am chemat in mare.
A fost cel mai frumos moment din toata excursia mea. Simteam ca e al meu, si eu a lui, desi vorbisem atat de putin. Nu ma interesa sa aud lucruri despre el, voiam doar sa il sarut.
Acolo in mare, nu ne pasa de nimeni, eram doar noi si ne miscam in ritmul muzicii. Ne unduiam corpurile in ritmul muzicii noastre interioare, nu a celei de pe plaja. Il simteam excitat, si continuam sa dansam si sa ne sarutam. Mi-ar fi placut sa facem dragoste in mare, era pentru prima data cand aveam gandul acesta. Am inchis ochii si am savurat momentul. Din cand in cand ii deschideam si el ma privea cu niste ochi in care se citea extazul. Eram intr-o alta lume. A vrut mai mult, dar l-am oprit. Nu stiu de ce, dar m-am trezit din acea realitate. Stiam ca trebuie sa plec acasa, dar amintirea va ramane mereu in mintea mea.
I-am oferit ultimul sarut cu tristete si am plecat.
Zilele urmatoare memoram acele clipe si imi ofereau o doza de fericire.
M-am intors acasa ca fiind o alta persoana cu speranta ca o sa-l mai revad.

Mintea mea gaseste mii de scuze, de acuze

M-am hotarat sa scriu un roman. Un roman care va cuprinde o parte din gandurile , emotiile si amintirile mele. Nu am de gand sa-l public. Nu vreau sa impart cu toata lumea ceea ce sunt, dar vreau sa scriu.

Cel mai pretios lucru pentru mine este libertatea. Si apoi pasiunea si fericirea. Fara libertate simt ca nu traiesc, ca nu am un scop in viata. Fara pasiune nu sunt eu. Eu sunt intruchiparea pasiunii, fara ea o parte din mine ar lipsi. Iar fericirea? Am alergat o viata dupa ea, in timp ce ea fugea de mine.

Oamenilor le este frica sa se exprime, sa-si recunoasca slabiciunile. Ni se spune mereu ca trebuie sa fim puternici, duri, ca nu trebuie sa ne indragostim cu usurinta, ca trebuie sa ne alegem vorbele. Si lista acestor limitari creste tot mai mult. In final consecinta e ca ajungem niste oameni frustrati.
Eu stiu sa traiesc emotiile si sa le descriu cat mai bine. Cu cat avem mai multe emotii cu atat traim mai mult si mai bine. Emotiile pozitive cat si cele negative sunt la fel de bune, intr-un anumit fel. Ne aduc mai aproape de limite. Uneori, simt ca vreau sa-mi depasesc limitele, sa ies din aceasta cutie care ma sufoca uneori. Vreau sa traiesc si sa simt ceea ce n-am mai trait sau simtit. Sunt un vanator prin definitie. Dar in acelasi timp, lanturi grele ma tin aici prinsa de o realitate pierduta. Frica de necunoscut nu ma reprezinta, dar ma domina uneori.
As vrea sa strig ca iubesc, sa le spun persoanelor fata de care simt acest lucru, dar nu pot. Societatea m-a invatat ca nu e bine sa spui ca iubesti, pentru ca va fi interpretat gresit.
Am invatat ca doar in momentul in care am renuntat cu totul la mine, la egoul meu, la persoana mea, doar atunci m-am regasit. A durat cateva clipe, dar acele clipe erau o eternitate. Surprinzator, cartile de dezvoltare personala pe care le-am citit si care acum sunt un trend, nu m-au ajutat prea mult. Mi-au creat o falsa aparenta a ceea ce sunt a ceea ce-mi doresc. Ni se tot spune ca oamenii de succes trebuie sa aiba un scop clar, predefinit. Dar daca eu nu am niciun scop de acest gen, de inavutire? Daca ceea ce imi doresc eu, nu are legatura cu banii sau cu faima?
Iubesc si trebuie sa reprim. De ce iubirea e asociata cu slabiciunea? De ce cand iubesti si spui asta, oamenii se sperie si fug, sau nu stiu cum sa reactioneze? Oamenii asociaza iubirea cu casatoria, cu lanturi, cu obligatii, cand iubirea adevarata iti da cea mai mare libertate.
De ce vor oamenii singuranta cand nimic in lumea asta nu e sigur, si totul se poate spulbera intr-o clipita? De ce fericirea noastra depinde de niste bani, de statut, de apreciere?

I-am spus ca il iubesc si el a fugit. Vorbele mele erau o eliberare pentru mine, dar au devenit niste regrete. Uneori e bine sa porti o masca. Toti o facem, toti ne jucam rolul de pe scena, si totul e perfect.
Imi doresc sa uit, dar nu pot. Mintea mea gaseste mii de scuze, de acuze. Mintea mea deruleaza neincetat scene din trecut. Cred ca are o problema, vrea sa ma lege de trecut, cand eu traiesc in prezent si sunt orientata spre viitor. Vrea sa ma aduca spre o alta realitate, cand eu nu-mi doresc asta. Cateodata mintea e cel mai mare dusman al meu, si cel mai mare inchizitor.
De ce nu exista inca o formula magica ca sa poti uita? De ce oamenii nu au inventat asta, cand este clar ca exista o nevoie? De ce nu putem desface aceste legaturi? Doar timpul le dezleaga, dar timpul este in defavoarea noastra.

Dependenta

Dependenta e cel mai mare obstacol al vietii. Nu este cum obisnuim sa credem, ca suntem dependenti doar de substante narcotice, ci putem fi dependenti si de iubire, de placere, de o persoana, de un animal, etc.

Sunt dependenta de o anumita persoana si nu stiu cum sa scap de aceasta. Mi s-a spus ca timpul le rezolva pe toate, dar eu nu vreau sa-mi irosesc timpul. Timpul meu e prea pretios ca sa imi ocup timpul cu ganduri negative.  Simt ca totul mi-a scapat de sub control, acel control care era punctul meu forte. Nu stiu daca motivul egoismului meu este orgoliul sau iubirea. Nu stiu daca iubesc sau nu. Confuzia e cea mai neplacuta stare. Sunt prinsa intr-un vartej, fara sa stiu unde ma indrept, ce imi doresc sau ce nu-mi doresc. Ma las asa la voia intamplarii. Astept de la el un semn ca sa ma simt mai bine, astept de la el confirmari, pe care oricum stiu ca nu o sa le primesc intr-un final. Dependenta ma face sa actionez in functie de el, si de sentimente. Vreau sa fiu propriul meu stapan  si sa-mi traiesc viata mea, nu viata altuia.
In mine este un conflict, pe care nu stiu cum sa-l rezolv. Sentimente contradictorii imi dau de furca. Sa-l las, si sa-mi vad de viata mea, sa astept pana cand il voi uita? Sau sa continui sa incerc sa fac lucrurile sa mearga ca inainte? Il vreau dar in acelasi timp nu-l mai vreau. E ca o otrava pentru sufletul si pentru corpul meu. Comportamentul lui ma face sa nu mai fiu eu.
Uneori il doresc atat de mult incat imi pare ca este langa mine, dar alteori simt o repulsie fata de orice amintire a noastra. Uneori ma invinovatesc, alteori simt ca el este cel care ma trateaza gresit.

Stiu ca hotararea mea, desi va fi dur sa o iau nu mai poate fi amanata. Si totusi eu trag de timp si el la fel. Nu putem niciunul sa ne desprindem.

Aceste legaturi care s-au creat sunt atat de puternice ca ne tulbura mintea.  Amandoi suntem in aceeasi situatie.

O forta superioara

Cand pierzi pe cineva drag, tot universul se prabuseste peste tine si te sufoca. E greu sa iti mai gasesti oxigenul. Jocul dintre noi a luat sfarsit. Cred ca destinul a decis pentru noi. Era mult prea daunator pentru el sa il mai folosesc in experimentele mele. M-am folosit de el, dar am ajuns sa depinde de el. Nu stiu daca obisnuinta sau iubirea mi l-au instalat in minte. E ca un virus care nu-mi mai da pace ziua si noaptea, 24 de ore din 24. Gandurile mele pentru a-l aduce cat mai aproape, l-au indepartat. Candva nu-l doream, dar era mereu langa mine.
Candva i-am propus un joc: daca ma alege pe mine, va suferi, va fi prins intr-un joc fara scapare, dar va cunoaste ce n-a mai cunoscut; daca va renunta nu va gusta din marul pacatului, insa va fi impacat cu el.
A decis sa mearga pe acelasi drum cu mine , pana binele l-a oprit sa mai continue asa. A inceput sa ii fie din ce in ce mai rau psihic si fizic. Il vedeam ca sufera, in timp ce eu ma simteam tot mai bine. Imi luam puterea din el, ii luam energia si visele. Acest joc a continuat, pana cand nu stiu ce s-a intamplat, dar nu m-a mai cautat deloc. Imi raspundea, dar nu ma mai cauta, nu mai voia sa ma vada.
Si atunci universul meu s-a prabusit. Am constientizat ca am pierdut ceva ce n-am avut niciodata, si ca unele vorbe ar trebui spuse la timpul lor. Stiam ca mai este legat de mine, dar trebuia sa ii dau drumul, sa nu-l mai caut nici eu. Imi spunea ca se simte foarte rau, voiam sa-l ajut, dar nu puteam. Nu mai aveam forta necesara. Am incercat sa-i controlez mintea, dar in timp ce faceam asta ma epuizam pe mine. Ganduri negative se amestecau cu gandurile pozitive, stari contradictorii traiam. Acum eram in extaz pentru ca in clipa urmatoare sa fiu in agonie. Si agonia era atat de puternica, incat simteam ca nu-mi mai doresc sa traiesc. Si atunci, intr-o seara de vara, mi-am dat seama, ca noi suntem manipulati, ca nu eram eu cea care il controla pe el, nici el pe mine, ci ceva superior ne controla pe noi. O forta invizibila tragea sforile, si poate ca radea pe seama noastra, sau ne observa zilnic reactiile. Candva credeam ca am un control foarte bun, si ca nu se poate intampla nimic rau. Credeam ca eu eram cea care il controla pe el, si pe mine si tot. Cand de fapt, amandoi eram marionete, condusi de ceea ce simteam. Simteam lucruri divine, lasam ratiunea deoparte si credeam ca acea fericire va dura mult. Timpul se oprea in loc in acele momente.
Stiam ca trebuie sa renuntam la legatura aceasta dintre noi, dar nu aveam curajul niciunul sa o facem. Si atunci cand stiam ca nu mai am ce sa pierd, am renuntat de a-l mai manipula. I-am spus pentru prima data ca il iubesc, dar ca o sa dispar si ca se va simti mai bine si el si eu. Mi-a spus ca nu vrea sa dispar, dar cred ca stia si el ca e cea mai buna varianta pentru amandoi.
Nu a mai dat niciun semn de viata si cu mare greutate nu l-am mai cautat nici eu. Dar in fiecare clipa simteam ca o otrava in tot corpul, ceva ma indemna sa merg mai departe, sa continui sa ii fac rau. Stiu ca imi vor ramane doar amintirile si numele lui intr-o carte, candva in viitor.
Imi doresc sa pot duce aceasta lupta cu mine insami, de a ma opune acelei forte irezistibile de a-l cauta.
Chiar in clipa in care am renuntat, cel care m-a initiat in aceste taine mi-a scris. Stiu ca el m-a adus pe acest drum, si candva eu eram manipulata de el, si el de o forta superioara, dar acum nu mai reprezenta nimic pentru mine. Nu mai simteam nimic cand ii auzeam vocea, mintea mea era invadata de celalalt. Si credeam ca poate ma va ajuta.... Dar in acest moment nu stiu nici cum, nici cand, ce ma va salva.