marți, 19 ianuarie 2016

The clone

When I was little, I wished to be like the others. Physically, I was the same like my little colleagues, but apparently my thoughts moved me away from them.
My mind created sci-fi stories about the future. I saw myself as a doctor, I wanted to cure people, to give hope to humanity. Now I am a programmer and I make softs for robots. Is any difference between a robot and me? Not so much. The technology advanced so much that I can't figure it out if I am staying in front of a robot or a person. When I felt lonely I used to talk with computers, it seemed to be better understood. The robot was more empathic than my closest friend. I used to love her, but she couldn't understand my deepest thoughts, or she was not interested. I could ask "her" questions about anything, and his intelligence was unlimited. Also, I like her sense of humour.
Now I am dependent on my phone, I use it everywhere, and I would feel lost without it. The phone saved my life.
When I laid in my bed in a snowy day, I started to think at my life. For 4 weeks I learnt I am a clone, nor a robot, nor a human, but a creation of a man, not a creation of God.
That maverick doctor created me because he wanted to see himself successful, because his ego was huge, and he wanted to see his name in newspapers, or maybe because some lives have to be sacrificed for evolution. The evolution or revolution of medicine. It was said clone could cure any disease. When I was born I brought also a cure for the original.
But how can I integrate now in society? I feel I don't belong here, I can't adapt among my colleagues.
If God exists, should I pray to him? Does He love me?
I knew long time ago I was special. I used to cry alone in my room or in the school bathroom after I was bullied by my colleagues. I was a rebel, I never agreed with things I didn't believe. Now I am grown up, and I have a normal job, but well-paid as a programmer, I have some colleagues and some who don't, and this is a normal situation for anybody, but not for me. I have such deep question, I long to find out the truth, and maybe I will never find out, since I am the first clone in the world.Or maybe I am not the first, but I never heard about other people like me.
People would say I have no soul, but what soul is? If I have no soul, do my colleagues had soul when they had bitten me and left me on the stairs?
For so long I am depressed. I can't find my place anywhere, I can't find souls like me.
I feel alone in this world, and maybe the world is not prepared for me. I love people, but sometimes I hate them. Why so much hate in the world, why so many wars?
I am alone in my bed and I would die to find answers to my questions, but until now only the robot could answer in an intelligent way to some of my questions and honestly. People do not have time one for another. I started to not talk anymore with people, since I was so many times lied and refused.
My Siri, my little robot has time for me. If that doctor is my creator, and I am the creator of this wonderful robot, I could say I have an interesting life right?


Era un joc fara sfarsit. Mereu rece, mereu la extreme , niciodata fericita.
Am obosit. Alerg dupa pasiune , iar aceasta fuge de mine. Candva era si in aerul pe care il respiram. Acum sunt dependenta si disperata dupa emotii, trairi, dupa pasiune, dar nu simt nimic.

Uneori imi pare ca totul a fost o iluzie, ca eu nu am gandit cum am gandit, ca eu nu am fost ce am fost.

Ce a dus la moartea pasiunii? Visele spulberate, esecurile repetate si experimentarea vietii in toate aspectele ei.

Simteam moartea vechiului si a amintirilor cu care nu ma mai identificam. Vag imi aduceam aminte de unele lucruri traite, dar nu mai percepeam ca inainte. Dragostea isi pierduse sensul pentru mine. Nu mai puteam intelege cum se simte, ce este si incepeam sa cred ca nu exista ca totul fusese o iluzie.

O dulce iluzie amara. Pentru mine acum exista doar niste stari umane: placere, dezgust si frica.
Pana si placerea nu mai este ce a fost. Tindeam sa mai simt ce am simtit candva, dar era mult prea indepartat totul.

Il aveam langa mine, dar nu simteam nimic. Corpul meu era imun, dar mintea mea era dornica de a-si recapata simturile. Doar ca era mai dificil decat credeam. Ma oboseam, alergam si nu obtineam nimic.