"Never give up, it's such a wonderful life."
If I turn back in my past and remember things that happened and affected me , maybe I would start to cry or maybe I feel nothing.
For my past love stories, when I remember I feel nothing. It's like I see a movie in which I was not the main character. But for the memories I had with somebody who is still in my life, for example my parents, I will remember and maybe cry for hours, or for days.
When somebody tells you, that you have a problem, maybe you would reflect for a moment and forget about this chapter quickly. If more close persons would tell you that you have a problem, then maybe your heart will broke in pieces and maybe you will forget to breath or to live for a moment.
Bad words could be like swords and wounds will always leave behind signs.
Or maybe you will start to convince yourself that you really have a problem, and behave like this.
People are always comparing yourself with others, you are never good enough for them. Always you will lack something, which is normal, because nobody is perfect.
The thing that bothers others or which is called to be my defect is my "hypersensitivity". This is such a paradox because some people would tell me my biggest defect is my "coldness", "selfishness" or lack of emotion, compassion. Other would tell me , I am too much calm, meanwhile my best friend will tell me I am too much aggressive.
They are all people who see what they want to see. We throw words, judge and try to correct people, but we can't correct ourselves.
We give advices but we can't explain why and how.
I will turn back to sensitivity. I try for years each night, to remember my past , before 7 years old. I can remember pieces from my life, but I can't remember the whole puzzle. I know I have to find there in past, something that can make me complete and happy now in present or in future.
I don't find my roots, I don't know what I am , I forgot my potential and I have to find it back.
When you search for something you lost or you think you lost, makes you feel different.
When you are an adult you change so much yourself and you start to forget how you were, how you thought, what you did. Now we are only a copy of somebody, which is a copy of somebody. Now we have all problems, before we didn't know what means problem.
If something goes wrong I have a problem, or the society has a problem or somebody has a problem.
The only key is to turn back to your past, to remember , to learn again to forget what everybody thought you: the society , the school, the people around you.
When I got close to people and needed them I learnt that I am all my life alone, even if I am surrounded by people. I discovered the bad side of the humans, which I didn't believe it exists, only in stories. That side of the people and the contact with people made me weak in the end, not stronger.
I am more sensitive, more unhappy than ever.
I would give anything to turn back to my world.
