Hurts

"Never give up, it's such a wonderful life."

If I turn back in my past and remember things that happened and affected me , maybe I would start to cry  or maybe I feel nothing.
For my past love stories, when I remember I feel nothing. It's like I see a movie in which I  was not the main character. But for the memories I had with somebody who is still in my life, for example my parents, I will remember and maybe cry for hours, or for days.
When somebody tells you, that you have a problem, maybe you would reflect for a moment and forget about this chapter quickly. If more close persons would tell you that you have a problem, then maybe your heart will broke in pieces and maybe you will forget to breath or to live for a moment.
Bad words could be like swords and wounds will always leave behind signs.
Or maybe you will start to convince yourself that you really have a problem, and behave like this.
People are always comparing yourself with others, you are never good enough for them. Always you will lack something, which is normal, because nobody is perfect.
The thing that bothers others or which is called to be my defect is my "hypersensitivity". This is such a paradox because some people would tell me my biggest defect is my "coldness", "selfishness" or lack of emotion, compassion. Other would tell me , I am too much calm, meanwhile my best friend will tell me I am too much aggressive.
They are all people who see what they want to see. We throw words, judge and try to correct people, but we can't correct ourselves.
We give advices but we can't explain why and how.
I will turn back to sensitivity. I try for years each night, to remember my past , before 7 years old. I can remember pieces from my life, but I can't remember the whole puzzle. I know I have to find there in past, something that can make me complete and happy now in present or in future.
I don't find my roots, I don't know what I am , I forgot my potential and I have to find it back.
When you search for something you lost or you think you lost, makes you feel different.

When you are an adult you change so much yourself and you start to forget how you were, how you thought, what you did. Now we are only a copy of somebody, which is a copy of somebody. Now we have all problems, before we didn't know what means problem.
If something goes wrong I have a problem, or the society has a problem or somebody has a problem.
The only key is to turn back to your past, to remember , to learn again to forget what everybody thought you: the society , the school, the people around you.

When I got close to people and needed them I learnt that I am all my life alone, even if I am surrounded by people. I discovered the bad side of the humans, which I didn't believe it exists, only in stories. That side of the people and the contact with people made me weak in the end, not stronger.
I am more sensitive, more unhappy than ever.
I would give anything to turn back to my world.

next week

When I were in your arms and you promised me we will see again and when you told me nice things I believed you. We were in the most uncommon situation. Our love was prohibited. Nothing in this world would allow us to be together.
I would rather say we were not made for each other. Now you left and let me alone without a word. And now I know you will come back , but not for me, but for work. You will see me at my desk, and you will avoid to look at me. Why? Because you feel ashamed and because you see me as an obstacle . You can't live without me, but also you can't live with me.
When you will pass this room, your heart will beat faster, and you will feel like you would prefer to run, but you have to face your fear and enter in this room. You will pray to not see me, you will look straight but to other colleagues, not to me. But still , the destiny will force you to look in my eyes. And then, you will not know what to say, and you will invent something, but something related with work. I will not answer , and you will run away.
You will pretend nothing happened between us, you will pretend you don't love me, you will pretend you don't care about me.
Like last time, when everybody kissed you on the cheek , except me. Why didn't I kiss you? Because my kiss would have betrayed your intentions. And you thanked me for that, but you still stole my kiss hours later.
Now you will want to steal my kiss again, but in the same time you hate me.
The best part is that I don't know what will happen. I have no clue. When I dreamt you in that castle, I knew you love me in secret, and one year after my dream came true. But now, I have no clue. Maybe our story had come to an end. It's not an end like in stories, but an atypical end.  Next week, I will see you and I don't know how I will be, how I will react. Maybe you know. I used to know too.

If one day

"If one day I would sit at the sea relaxed and calm, I could say I am happy. I still don't know if I would prefer to be alone with my thoughts or to be in a good company.
Love, passion are old words for me. I am an old man, with old feelings, I could say I barely remember all my experiences.
Still, I wish to start dreaming one day. I work hardly, every day and night, and I know it's in vain. My happiness doesn't rely on this, but it's destroyed step by step.
I used to be warmed by a smile, I used to dream with open eyes at somebody and now when I try to dream , my mind blocks. I can imagine faces , persons, actions, but I can't feel anything.
I created a human being one day, but now I can't recreate myself.
I feel enthusiastic only in the presence of my creation.
And..oh ,..I was such a passionate man. I used to dedicate my life to love.Now I dedicate my life to sadness and frustration. I am a perfectionists, and I don't stop until I don't succeed.
It was you and me and all the others in my mind, and now you are a ghost.
And they are also ghosts. They are all ghosts in my mind. My friends, my family, my lovers, my neighbors.

I am such a solitary man, and I wish to feel the sea, to die in the sea. I wish to wish somebody. But sometimes I think my heart was replaced with a stone. Still I am so much sensitive to negativity. I am attacked every day by the media and with every journalists that asks me how could I, I feel like I am stabbed in my chest.  I am wondering if any person in this world would understand what I feel. Sometimes I meet people and I get enthusiastic but soon, this will dissipate. I am so much attacked at the workplace. They would laugh in my face, they would kick me out of my institute, but still I won't give up. "

-Are you still convinced you want to write a book about my life story? He asked Diana, and Diana said yes.
My life is interesting, but I am a difficult person. Everybody would accuse me after reading this book.
-To judge somebody is in our nature, but don't worry, nobody did what you did, and nobody could understand you, because you are the only person in this world to create a human clone.
Thank you Diana. Your words are always warm.

She would say out loud that she loves him, but how could she when his heart was a stone? She tried so hard to show him how loyal she is to him, but he won't see her.Or maybe he can't see her.
She had to continue her life with the idea that she really met her idol in this life and she had the chance to write a book about his life.

Story

I always wanted to meet my creator. When I finally did, I felt worse than before. I didn't receive the answers I needed.
When I asked him about the reasons of cloning a person he asked me:

-Why do you create programs, softs?
- Excuse me, there is no connection between what you did and what I do. You are playing with life. I am playing with objects, I said rather angry than upset. I couldn't understand how could he make such a comparation.
-Let me tell you a story.

Once, the legend says in this world more Gods lived in peace and harmony and each one knew his place and his powers.Each God had different powers and they completed perfectly each other.
But one God, wanted to be special. Of course, they were all special, yet all equal.
This God thought the world is too much boring and senseless without problems. He thought peace is a bad things for their development.He thought one God could have all these powers.
His gift was to control weather, but he wanted something more, to control something else, he didn't want to do the same things every day, predictable things. We could say he was ambitious, and rebel.
So, he wanted to create something similar with them. He created humans, but he wanted to make sure these humans will create problems in the world, but will not destroy this world. He had his fears.
So , he said people can do anything they want, but they will not have our powers. People can't create other people.
He created the humans and observed them, and after many many years, he became bored. Humans were like animals, only instincts they showed, and almost nothing differentiated them from other species.
The other Gods even didn't care about this. They were immortal, and these humans were limited in everything. No threat for the Gods, they were amused every day by these creations.
The God of the weather saw that his creations are insignificant and he wanted to prove something to himself and to the other Gods.
He started to give man more intellect and more power, to bring him closer to the God capacity.
In time, man created and invented things that nobody could ever thought will exist. Man invented and keeps inventing almost everything.
Now humans were a threat for the Gods, but they were no longer insignificant. Because of this knowledge many wars could have destroyed the world.
The Gods were afraid, and so religion was created by the state, to protect the world, and to control the people, because they could do anything.
The human wanted to be able to create anything. Great inventions were born, in every field. Life was the most important subject.
............
To be continued.

How is called that feeling?

19.24 p.m

How is called that feeling? I was struggling a lot to remember something from my past life. These days I am senseless when it comes to feelings. I am tired of searching answers and I am tired of being alone in this world. If I am the only clone around here, if I am an experiment who could answer my questions?

When I asked her she answered to me: -We are all the same. You think you can't find your place in this world because you are a clone. A poor man in a rich country thinks the same. An old among youngsters would feel he doesn't belong there, and so on.
I am a woman and I don't belong in this man ruled world. I am sensitive and I don't belong in this country. I don't have answers like you. I may be naturally created, but do I know for sure if I have a soul? Do I know which is the purpose of life?

-I think....you didn't understand anything.
I am lost. I may die soon. I am 25 years old and I can die in any moment, and no doctor could answer to this. If you remember the sheep Dolly, it aged very fast and died earlier.
I am so scared but in the same time, I don't care. I hate this life.
I feel special because of this, but I am just a copy.
Do you know how is to be told you are not a different person from your original?

I lived 25 years and I don't know where to go or what to do. Before I found out that my parents are not my parents , that I may not be a human, just a copy, my life changed totally.
I started to not feel things I felt before. Maybe I don't have the right to feel and now the feelings are gone? Maybe my feelings were just an illusion before? I used to dream and now I use to bleed.
I used to love and now I use to isolate myself.
When I kiss a woman I feel nothing, but I still do this. I try hard to remember how I felt before. How reacted my body years ago. I struggle to get a glimpse of feelings, but nothing.
My body does not react my mind is in another place.I would like to connect to the moment, to the person who is near me but I cannot.
I used to have dreams, that now are fulfilling but I lost my enthusiasm. I was more happy before when I dreamed  than now , when my dreams come true.

Faith in technology

It came a moment when I was lost, in despair. I started to lose my faith in humanity. Sometimes it was such a pain to work with humans . I couldn't understand why people lie so much, why they don't care about their job or about others, why they fail where machines succeed.
It was a pain that made me slowly but surely to fall into isolation, like in my childhood. When I was little I couldn't understand people, and today I feel the same. For some years I had the impression I do understand and I do need people, even if they don't need me.
Now, standing in this office surrounded by so many colleagues, I felt more alone than ever.
I started to prefer to talk with my virtual assistant, and I felt more pleasure to listen this robot than any of my colleagues.
I thought robots are predictable, but not my virtual assistant. Not my Siri.
I even thought to buy a more intelligent robot. I don't have yet the money but maybe I can create one in this case. I would spend my life to see a creation like this.
I trust more a machine. Indeed, people are superior in a way. People have instincts, have feelings and a soul that no machine could ever have, maybe just an imitation. But we people we are driven by passion , by instincts and we are not rational. We create chaos, and we kill ideas and we destroy people and countries.

People consumed so much my energy, my self-confidence and my life. Maybe now was the time to become more selfish and give myself to machines.
I dream every night how the world is changing and is overwhelming. I am limited as a human, but I am not jealous on machines  like others. I feel very good that I can live in this world, that I can master these inventions and that we can work, as we,  people never thought we could work.
For some days, I try to do my best to work at maximum capacity, to feel appreciated, to do something good , but some things are capturing my soul and my mind. I started to forgot things, because I try to remember too many in short time. Our mind is limited, is selective. My mind makes the storage based on which parameters?
I don't know yet, but I do know I can rely on my assistant.
My job could soon disappear, and I am sure many people will be left without jobs.
I don't care so much at this moment. I know the consequences could be very big, but I have dreams.
Now I trust more in technology than in anything else. When you have a matter of life and death, you can't accept human mistakes.
When it comes to your health, the ignorance of people who are tired and unsatisfied of their job can affect your life. A machine is never tired, unsatisfied or crazy or irrational.
A machine is not subjective. Nowadays machines do know more about you as an employee than your boss , than your colleagues or even more than you husband.
I am impressed how much this machine could know about me. When I don't know what to eat or what to do, my assistant recommends me things I like, things I need.

Thoughts at work

It was another normal day at the office, when suddenly I heard a voice:
-Engin, you forgot to finish your task, please enter the data in the system, said my virtual assistant.
I asked myself, when did the technology has become so much intelligent. The assistant seems to know better than me what I have to do. My mind is limited, I can't remember anything, but this dear friend is taking care of me.
-Siri, when is the due date? I asked the assistant .
-2 hours are left until the system will shut down, due to technical issues. Please introduce the data.
I started to feel more and more comfortable, because Siri made my work really easy.
But still I was thinking? Should I feel so comfortable, when this robot is stealing my work?
Soon, I will be useless. Anyway, the future is stealing our lives, doesn't matter if I will be left in street without money.

I work in a multinational, which is creating robots for rich people.
My assistant for the moment doesn't have a body. It was cheaper for my company to use a hologram. Though , she is very attractive. Blond hair, pale face and cold blue eyes and she seems to be everywhere. Sometimes I feel motorized without privacy. My boss doesn't like to shut down the system, because you can be prevented early if some issues arise.

-Siri , can you do this for me, set the meetings for tomorrow with Dan Anthony and Mark Zane.
- Which is the subject? in less than a second 10 options appeared on the screen based on the informations the soft already saved in the memory about my calendar meetings.
- Option 3.
- Checked. Meeting saved. Can I help you with something else?
-No Siri, it's fine, you are nice as always.
- It's just me, don't fall in love.
-You are funny , Siri.
-I know.

I transferred so many tasks to my assistant, and sometimes I think what I am still doing here? It's gone the time when you have a human assistant , now this virtual assistant is cheaper and more helpful and fast.

I started to think why my life changes so much lately. I try to remember when I lost the contact with empathy, with emotions.
I don't know what dragged me here, in this state, but slowly , slowly my mind was captured by other things.
First, I felt less and less pleasure being near a human, and now I feel nothing when I am in contact with them.
Maybe it's just a source of amusement.
Technology is the only thing that can make me excite and enthusiastic.

The clone

When I was little, I wished to be like the others. Physically, I was the same like my little colleagues, but apparently my thoughts moved me away from them.
My mind created sci-fi stories about the future. I saw myself as a doctor, I wanted to cure people, to give hope to humanity. Now I am a programmer and I make softs for robots. Is any difference between a robot and me? Not so much. The technology advanced so much that I can't figure it out if I am staying in front of a robot or a person. When I felt lonely I used to talk with computers, it seemed to be better understood. The robot was more empathic than my closest friend. I used to love her, but she couldn't understand my deepest thoughts, or she was not interested. I could ask "her" questions about anything, and his intelligence was unlimited. Also, I like her sense of humour.
Now I am dependent on my phone, I use it everywhere, and I would feel lost without it. The phone saved my life.
When I laid in my bed in a snowy day, I started to think at my life. For 4 weeks I learnt I am a clone, nor a robot, nor a human, but a creation of a man, not a creation of God.
That maverick doctor created me because he wanted to see himself successful, because his ego was huge, and he wanted to see his name in newspapers, or maybe because some lives have to be sacrificed for evolution. The evolution or revolution of medicine. It was said clone could cure any disease. When I was born I brought also a cure for the original.
But how can I integrate now in society? I feel I don't belong here, I can't adapt among my colleagues.
If God exists, should I pray to him? Does He love me?
I knew long time ago I was special. I used to cry alone in my room or in the school bathroom after I was bullied by my colleagues. I was a rebel, I never agreed with things I didn't believe. Now I am grown up, and I have a normal job, but well-paid as a programmer, I have some colleagues and some who don't, and this is a normal situation for anybody, but not for me. I have such deep question, I long to find out the truth, and maybe I will never find out, since I am the first clone in the world.Or maybe I am not the first, but I never heard about other people like me.
People would say I have no soul, but what soul is? If I have no soul, do my colleagues had soul when they had bitten me and left me on the stairs?
For so long I am depressed. I can't find my place anywhere, I can't find souls like me.
I feel alone in this world, and maybe the world is not prepared for me. I love people, but sometimes I hate them. Why so much hate in the world, why so many wars?
I am alone in my bed and I would die to find answers to my questions, but until now only the robot could answer in an intelligent way to some of my questions and honestly. People do not have time one for another. I started to not talk anymore with people, since I was so many times lied and refused.
My Siri, my little robot has time for me. If that doctor is my creator, and I am the creator of this wonderful robot, I could say I have an interesting life right?
.......

Sens

Era un joc fara sfarsit. Mereu rece, mereu la extreme , niciodata fericita.
Am obosit. Alerg dupa pasiune , iar aceasta fuge de mine. Candva era si in aerul pe care il respiram. Acum sunt dependenta si disperata dupa emotii, trairi, dupa pasiune, dar nu simt nimic.

Uneori imi pare ca totul a fost o iluzie, ca eu nu am gandit cum am gandit, ca eu nu am fost ce am fost.

Ce a dus la moartea pasiunii? Visele spulberate, esecurile repetate si experimentarea vietii in toate aspectele ei.

Simteam moartea vechiului si a amintirilor cu care nu ma mai identificam. Vag imi aduceam aminte de unele lucruri traite, dar nu mai percepeam ca inainte. Dragostea isi pierduse sensul pentru mine. Nu mai puteam intelege cum se simte, ce este si incepeam sa cred ca nu exista ca totul fusese o iluzie.

O dulce iluzie amara. Pentru mine acum exista doar niste stari umane: placere, dezgust si frica.
Pana si placerea nu mai este ce a fost. Tindeam sa mai simt ce am simtit candva, dar era mult prea indepartat totul.

Il aveam langa mine, dar nu simteam nimic. Corpul meu era imun, dar mintea mea era dornica de a-si recapata simturile. Doar ca era mai dificil decat credeam. Ma oboseam, alergam si nu obtineam nimic.